Once again, we shall work backwards from the title: My life in Vegas has begun to mirror my "old" life. This is both a good and bad thing; I choose to embrace the good and try not to repeat the mistakes of the past. I have to admit; this is easier said than done. I am back in an environment where I have the opportunity to make the same "mistakes" over again, and yet; I do not really see that being a horrible issue. I LOVED my old life. I miss my old life. I came to Vegas to recapture the things I felt my life was missing... And, here I am: the opportunities present themselves...
I LONG for the days when I had a meaningful relationship. Not that I did not have a hand in fucking up every, single relationship I have every had (at least the ones that included sex, emotions... and every combination of the aforementioned); but still, a regular relationship still sounds attractive; sometimes... Who am I fooling? I am not capable of a "normal" relationship (depending on what your definition of "normal" may be)! I am who and what I am; why fight my nature? Why torture myself with the constraints of "normality" when I have a deep pool of immorality from which to fish?
Which brings us to the "guilt" section of this rambling blog...: I have no guilt left from my past. I have guilt for other, practical issues since I have been here; but my relationships (past and present) do not apply. I am reformed Catholic, I cannot help feeling guilty about SOMETHING; and yet: I feel more guilt about my lost opportunities than the ones I actually pursued. Wait, that is not true: I got married once. Not necessarily to the person that I should have married, but I gave her my heart (because I thought that was what she wanted; misguidedly believed that she could deal with the darkness that lives within...), and was devastated. She took what I had, asked for more, and when there was nothing left: found someone else to bleed dry. Maybe I read too many over-romantically written vampire novels to recognize an emotional vampire from a fun, blood-sucking, demon... But, that is just me...
On a positive note: it is nice to have options for "no-strings attached" relationships. Not that I have taken advantage of these as of yet; but knowing the offer(s) is (are) there is comforting. I like to play the "long-game"; even though I have a tendency to drag the game out longer than I should... but the chase is half of the fun. I can be a tease: I like to pretend I ignore you, tell you "yes" and then walk away, threaten you with a good time and then disappear... All of that is just my insecurity: call me on words and I will back them up; just be careful what you ask for...
No comments:
Post a Comment