I've made many mistakes in this fucked up dance I call my life. I've learned that apologies can only go so far and that the words "I'm sorry" lose their meaning after being spoken too many times. I've learned that actions as a reaction are almost worse than repeating the same old apologetic diatribe. I have had two true loves in my life, and managed to lose them through apathy and the not-so subtle art of settling into a life of boring routine. Of course, it never helped that I fell in love with every woman I found attractive (even if it was only for a few minutes) and that I fucked almost any woman who would give me the time of day. Okay, maybe "fucked" is taking things too far, but I at least went down on her, or she went down on me, or we had some kind of sexual contact. I've allowed myself to led around by my cock, and this has cost me dearly.
All of this seems a bit emo and maudlin, I know; however, it does not make it any less true. You would think it would help that I know I'm a self-centered asshole, but it doesn't. I would try to change, but apparently, change is just not in my nature. And, why should it be? For the most part, even though I'm horribly bored most of the time, I'm happy. Wait, maybe "happy" is not the right emotion, but there are moments most days: that first cigarette of the morning as the sun creeps over the horizon, the first drink of the evening as the sun sets (okay, maybe the second and third drink as well), the first kiss of a woman you've just met and the anticipation of knowing you will soon be feeling your skin against yours... I'll stop before this becomes pornographic (not that I ever do in "real life"). The point is: as much as I am a self-centered ass and as much as I may regret some of the decisions I've made in the past, if I had it all to do over again, I don't think I would change a thing. I lost two loves, but gained a best friend out of the deal. While I'm sad that the other chooses not to talk to me anymore, that is her choice and I respect that. At this point, I think I just miss the constant companionship of a woman. Not necessarily sexually, although if you've met me and read anything I've ever written (no worries, very few have, including this self-indulgent blog) you would know that sex is important; but I miss hanging out on the couch, watching movies, smoking a bowl, and laughing.
I want, no need to travel as many roads as I possibly can. Sometimes they are dead ends, but every once in a while, you have the pleasure of finding one that leads to somewhere/one/thing special....
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