I originally set this up as a place for me to post daily; whether or not anyone read it. This was always meant as a place for me to vent, rejoice, or regurgitate in one way or another. That being said: tonight was a good night, the type of which I have not had in quite a long time.
I was in my element; witty, fun, charming... I realize now that is was imbecilic for me to ever leave the clubs for a "legitimate" occupation. It was even stupider for me to allow myself to be pushed into management! Not that I was not good at being a manager, but I am so much better at being "the man behind the curtain"! However, this was the point of moving to Vegas, to reclaim the person I always knew I "should" be, not the person I allowed myself to become. The point is: I am back! I am once again the person I feel comfortable with, am happy being, and want to continue to be.
I enjoy this life; I can pay my bills, socialize when, with whom, and where I want, and have no guilt about who and what I am. Sex is an added bonus; especially since I do not have to worry about strings (most of the time, there is always that lady who wants "period" sex, but I earned my red wings long ago). The only thing that seems to be missing is someone who appreciates my "toys". Do not get me wrong, I love "vanilla" sex, but I miss exercising my skill-set! There really does not seem to be much of a BDSM scene here, unless you are willing to pay to get into a club. Okay, now I am just rambling, but I really wish I could find a fun, pain slut....
Thursday, August 28, 2014
Friday, August 22, 2014
Sex and Marriage
I was inspired to write this by a post on facebook. Let us be honest...: we are all influenced by Facebook. However, just because we read, write, and respond to the posts we see, we are not necessarily slaves to the "machine"! Or; are we? I respond to multiple posts, but I respond as ME!, do you do the same? I have talked a lot of "shit" on facebook posts, I have wanted, lusted, and chased some of my facebook "friends; but I have
Going out, staying in, and the damn Harley store...
I would really like to go out sometime, do something besides watching re-runs of shit I have already seen on Netflix, Amazon Prime, or even watching movies alone on my Roku... However, here I sit, typing my "wants" away instead of being out in public. I am a public persona by employment, this makes it hard for me to do the same socially. I would say that I make an effort, but that is a lie. I WANT to make that effort; but sometimes, my insecurities block my intentions...
I am not sure how much I have posted about this, but I was run off the road about a week ago on the bike. I saw the lights coming up (FAST) behind me, I moved to the right; and then a white, SUV swerved in front of me and forced me into the gravel shoulder. Luckily, I knew the wide, gravel shoulder was there, I knew how to dump a bike and survive the fall, I just look like shit because of the crash. Actually, I look semi-okay now, but the beard I am growing covers most of the facial damage. I was in shock, got some help wiping the blood from my face and setting the bike back up, and rode home. I wish I had gotten the license plate... not that I would have done anything more than finding out who it belonged to, where they lived, and introduced them to my... oh, never mind!
In the wake of the aforementioned accident, I needed to buy a new helmet. It may be just me, but surviving a lay-down without serious injury (but serious damage to the helmet) tells me it is time to retire that black, shiny, cheap thing that protected my noggin. So... I went to the Harley store (since it was on my way back from running other errands) with an on-line, 60% off coupon. I found a great (still brain-bucket) helmet for, well, $60 after the discount. I like this helmet: it fits and feels better than any I have owned before; and it looks good as well...
In the end: I am lucky to be alive right now. If this had been my first "crash", I would be dead. I know this; I know I am living on borrowed time. I know I should make the most of this time. I should really go out, enjoy myself, flirt, have sex in dirty bathrooms (and if it is good, then, bring her home), hotel rooms; with hookers, dancers, or just random women I meet at bars... If only I could find a good bar, LOL!
I am not sure how much I have posted about this, but I was run off the road about a week ago on the bike. I saw the lights coming up (FAST) behind me, I moved to the right; and then a white, SUV swerved in front of me and forced me into the gravel shoulder. Luckily, I knew the wide, gravel shoulder was there, I knew how to dump a bike and survive the fall, I just look like shit because of the crash. Actually, I look semi-okay now, but the beard I am growing covers most of the facial damage. I was in shock, got some help wiping the blood from my face and setting the bike back up, and rode home. I wish I had gotten the license plate... not that I would have done anything more than finding out who it belonged to, where they lived, and introduced them to my... oh, never mind!
In the wake of the aforementioned accident, I needed to buy a new helmet. It may be just me, but surviving a lay-down without serious injury (but serious damage to the helmet) tells me it is time to retire that black, shiny, cheap thing that protected my noggin. So... I went to the Harley store (since it was on my way back from running other errands) with an on-line, 60% off coupon. I found a great (still brain-bucket) helmet for, well, $60 after the discount. I like this helmet: it fits and feels better than any I have owned before; and it looks good as well...
In the end: I am lucky to be alive right now. If this had been my first "crash", I would be dead. I know this; I know I am living on borrowed time. I know I should make the most of this time. I should really go out, enjoy myself, flirt, have sex in dirty bathrooms (and if it is good, then, bring her home), hotel rooms; with hookers, dancers, or just random women I meet at bars... If only I could find a good bar, LOL!
Monday, August 11, 2014
Strippers, Breakfast, and Alcohol
I moved to Vegas for a reason: to simplify my life and get back to the one thing in which I always excelled. Mission accomplished! However, attaining this goal has not been as gratifying as I believed it would be (the grass is always greener), and yet here I am. I am reliving the life I left, reluctantly; but not finding the gratification for which I hoped. This is not a complaint: I am happy to have returned to doing what I have always loved; it just does not seem the same. I would blame Vegas, I would blame my age, I would, um, blame it on the rain; but none of those excuses seem viable. I believe it may be just me. Do not misunderstand: the money is great, the job is great, the benefits are AWESOME (and when I say "benefits", I mean... use your imagination); but something just does not feel "right".
There is no "family" vibe like I remember. This could just be wishful thinking on my part, but I remember the time when we would all go out to breakfast together: dancers, employees, management... where did that get lost? I could put forth the effort to resurrect this lost tradition, but I am not sure it is worth the effort. In this time of "instant gratification", I feel that even a proven, yet archaic tradition of this would fray at the seems before it ever became anything of substance. Even though there are many, twenty-four options in Vegas, I am not sure there is any level of interest in sitting down, having a semi-meal, and conversation.
Conversation seems to be a lost art, here in Las Vegas. We are all conversant in fake, meaningless, small-talk; but can anyone remember anyone else's real name? I am good at learning the "work" names, having drinks and talking about the club, the pace of business, the surface needs of money: but sometimes, I miss a real conversation. I may be the only person who seeks something below the surface, something real; but a "real" moment would be nice every now and then... Shit, now I sound "needy", which was not my intention; just missing the way things used to be... But then, we can seldom get what we want...
There is no "family" vibe like I remember. This could just be wishful thinking on my part, but I remember the time when we would all go out to breakfast together: dancers, employees, management... where did that get lost? I could put forth the effort to resurrect this lost tradition, but I am not sure it is worth the effort. In this time of "instant gratification", I feel that even a proven, yet archaic tradition of this would fray at the seems before it ever became anything of substance. Even though there are many, twenty-four options in Vegas, I am not sure there is any level of interest in sitting down, having a semi-meal, and conversation.
Conversation seems to be a lost art, here in Las Vegas. We are all conversant in fake, meaningless, small-talk; but can anyone remember anyone else's real name? I am good at learning the "work" names, having drinks and talking about the club, the pace of business, the surface needs of money: but sometimes, I miss a real conversation. I may be the only person who seeks something below the surface, something real; but a "real" moment would be nice every now and then... Shit, now I sound "needy", which was not my intention; just missing the way things used to be... But then, we can seldom get what we want...
Thursday, August 7, 2014
Jaded
I have always LOVED this job! Sure, I wanted a career in radio, but unless you are Howard Stern; how often do you get to work with naked women? I am good at what I do, better than at least 90% of others that I have observed, but I do have my faults, sometimes. What I do has allowed me to meet some of my favorite people, famous people, and led me into several, failed, long-term relationships. However, this occupation is probably the only catalyst for building relationships (as dysfunctional as some of them may have been) that has EVER worked for me.
I have always been a bit socially awkward. I do not get along well with men and cannot seem to connect with women until I have seen them at least partially naked. I used to justify this by telling myself (and anyone else who would listen) that I prefer to see the "prize" unwrapped before claiming it. That is bullshit! In reality, I prefer a woman who has stripped down; physically AND emotionally; before I will even give her the time of day. The nagging, Catholic, part of my brain tells me how sinful this is; the logical part of my brain understands and encourages this...
It would be nice to find a "happy medium"... Okay, that is a lie as well; I adore exotic dancers! Strippers I can take or leave, but true "Showgirls" are hard to ignore. As drunk as they may get, as many times as I have to pick them up off of the floor before the manager finds them, it rarely tempers my adoration. "Oh, shit, you lost your top somewhere while you were on stage? You are standing in my booth topless? You want a hug? You want to feel the top of my head? You want to shove my face between your fabulous breasts?" How could anyone say NO to that? Men, women; gay or straight... If you can say NO, you are full of shit!
And... now I am rambling. However, since no one reads this and it has become my personal, verbal (okay, typed) therapy, it is all good! I always work the "long game", but maybe I should reevaluate that approach; it is what ended up in marriage (which I will NEVER do again)!
I have always been a bit socially awkward. I do not get along well with men and cannot seem to connect with women until I have seen them at least partially naked. I used to justify this by telling myself (and anyone else who would listen) that I prefer to see the "prize" unwrapped before claiming it. That is bullshit! In reality, I prefer a woman who has stripped down; physically AND emotionally; before I will even give her the time of day. The nagging, Catholic, part of my brain tells me how sinful this is; the logical part of my brain understands and encourages this...
It would be nice to find a "happy medium"... Okay, that is a lie as well; I adore exotic dancers! Strippers I can take or leave, but true "Showgirls" are hard to ignore. As drunk as they may get, as many times as I have to pick them up off of the floor before the manager finds them, it rarely tempers my adoration. "Oh, shit, you lost your top somewhere while you were on stage? You are standing in my booth topless? You want a hug? You want to feel the top of my head? You want to shove my face between your fabulous breasts?" How could anyone say NO to that? Men, women; gay or straight... If you can say NO, you are full of shit!
And... now I am rambling. However, since no one reads this and it has become my personal, verbal (okay, typed) therapy, it is all good! I always work the "long game", but maybe I should reevaluate that approach; it is what ended up in marriage (which I will NEVER do again)!
Monday, August 4, 2014
Guilt, longing, and Vegas life...
Once again, we shall work backwards from the title: My life in Vegas has begun to mirror my "old" life. This is both a good and bad thing; I choose to embrace the good and try not to repeat the mistakes of the past. I have to admit; this is easier said than done. I am back in an environment where I have the opportunity to make the same "mistakes" over again, and yet; I do not really see that being a horrible issue. I LOVED my old life. I miss my old life. I came to Vegas to recapture the things I felt my life was missing... And, here I am: the opportunities present themselves...
I LONG for the days when I had a meaningful relationship. Not that I did not have a hand in fucking up every, single relationship I have every had (at least the ones that included sex, emotions... and every combination of the aforementioned); but still, a regular relationship still sounds attractive; sometimes... Who am I fooling? I am not capable of a "normal" relationship (depending on what your definition of "normal" may be)! I am who and what I am; why fight my nature? Why torture myself with the constraints of "normality" when I have a deep pool of immorality from which to fish?
Which brings us to the "guilt" section of this rambling blog...: I have no guilt left from my past. I have guilt for other, practical issues since I have been here; but my relationships (past and present) do not apply. I am reformed Catholic, I cannot help feeling guilty about SOMETHING; and yet: I feel more guilt about my lost opportunities than the ones I actually pursued. Wait, that is not true: I got married once. Not necessarily to the person that I should have married, but I gave her my heart (because I thought that was what she wanted; misguidedly believed that she could deal with the darkness that lives within...), and was devastated. She took what I had, asked for more, and when there was nothing left: found someone else to bleed dry. Maybe I read too many over-romantically written vampire novels to recognize an emotional vampire from a fun, blood-sucking, demon... But, that is just me...
On a positive note: it is nice to have options for "no-strings attached" relationships. Not that I have taken advantage of these as of yet; but knowing the offer(s) is (are) there is comforting. I like to play the "long-game"; even though I have a tendency to drag the game out longer than I should... but the chase is half of the fun. I can be a tease: I like to pretend I ignore you, tell you "yes" and then walk away, threaten you with a good time and then disappear... All of that is just my insecurity: call me on words and I will back them up; just be careful what you ask for...
I LONG for the days when I had a meaningful relationship. Not that I did not have a hand in fucking up every, single relationship I have every had (at least the ones that included sex, emotions... and every combination of the aforementioned); but still, a regular relationship still sounds attractive; sometimes... Who am I fooling? I am not capable of a "normal" relationship (depending on what your definition of "normal" may be)! I am who and what I am; why fight my nature? Why torture myself with the constraints of "normality" when I have a deep pool of immorality from which to fish?
Which brings us to the "guilt" section of this rambling blog...: I have no guilt left from my past. I have guilt for other, practical issues since I have been here; but my relationships (past and present) do not apply. I am reformed Catholic, I cannot help feeling guilty about SOMETHING; and yet: I feel more guilt about my lost opportunities than the ones I actually pursued. Wait, that is not true: I got married once. Not necessarily to the person that I should have married, but I gave her my heart (because I thought that was what she wanted; misguidedly believed that she could deal with the darkness that lives within...), and was devastated. She took what I had, asked for more, and when there was nothing left: found someone else to bleed dry. Maybe I read too many over-romantically written vampire novels to recognize an emotional vampire from a fun, blood-sucking, demon... But, that is just me...
On a positive note: it is nice to have options for "no-strings attached" relationships. Not that I have taken advantage of these as of yet; but knowing the offer(s) is (are) there is comforting. I like to play the "long-game"; even though I have a tendency to drag the game out longer than I should... but the chase is half of the fun. I can be a tease: I like to pretend I ignore you, tell you "yes" and then walk away, threaten you with a good time and then disappear... All of that is just my insecurity: call me on words and I will back them up; just be careful what you ask for...
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